From a Mother, to a Mother, for Mothers - An open letter to Prime Minister Jacinda Adern
Image - from Pexels (by Lucas Allmann)
TRUE STORY: A domestic violence survivor writes an open letter to Prime Minister Jacinda Adern sharing her anguish about the way that Oranga Tamariki (New Zealand’s Statutory Care and Protection Agency) abuses, blames and devalues mothers who experience violence and abuse from a partner. She is calling for immediate system changes to make Oranga Tamariki 110% accountable for the way it works and intervenes in the lives of whānau. She says “change needs to happen as swiftly as our children are removed. Just as the ad says… It's not OK!”
Dear Jacinda,
I've watched the "It's Not OK" and "It's still OK to ask for help" ads played increasingly during our Covid pandemic lockdown. I applaud them, I do. Yet I also see the irony. The It’s Not OK ads are targeted towards women who have experienced domestic violence. But these women are often the very same women also going through the statutory child protection system and they will be further victimised by the Ministry for Children and its Oranga Tamariki (OT) Social Workers.
It's been two years since my primary school aged child was uplifted. I have never been violent or abusive to my child. My ex partner was violent to me throughout the relationship and towards another male. OT and the Police decided to uplift my child because of my ex’s potential to use violence. Even though he was not living with me when they uplifted my child they said he was dangerous and might return.
There were Hui and a Family Group Conference. After each one our whānau was still none the wiser about why my child was not being returned to me. Even though we requested information about the procedures to make the OT processes transparent we were given no information. I have asked repeatedly for a concrete answer to why my child can't come home. I haven’t received an answer yet.
I only get to see my child every six weeks. My whānau are only allowed two visits with the child per year. Basically, they're trying to phase us out.
For two years now me, my child and our whānau have not been listened to.
I honestly can't understand how OT social workers can use a mother’s experience of violence and abuse from a partner or ex, and the trauma we suffer as a result to validate removing our children. I think it is sick that in order to "save" our children, OT is willing to beat up on an already downtrodden Mother.
I need you to know, as New Zealand’s Prime Minister, that the statutory child protection system in New Zealand is hurting women and children in the same ways that our partners have done. The abuse we experience from those working in the Family Court and the Ministry for Children (OT) mirrors what we have already suffered. Let me explain…
“The very environment OT say they are removing our children from (an abusive one) they reenact against us.”
We are blamed for the violence and abuse and told it is our fault.
Mothers are made to stand in Family Court and go on trial like criminals to shoulder the blame for not leaving relationships and for "allowing" our children to witness violence.
I had my child taken from me because of the potential threat posed by a violent man. I was not living with him. I had no control over his future behaviour. Instead of having support and protection wrapped around me and my child, we were punished for his past and possible future behaviour.
Our realities are distorted and minimised, this is called gaslighting.
There have been many accusations thrown at me, from drug use to physical abuse. The Social Workers even tried to accuse me of neglect. Each time an accusation is proven false the Social Workers come up with a new one. Every possible negative past action is wielded like a weapon by those working for the Ministry and the Court. Mothers are made to feel like mindless, incapable women. We hear statements like "bad mother", "emotionally lacking" and "your fault" so much that it starts to become believable. In my most recent court case I was mocked by a Judge for being in a violent relationship. She thought it was OK to make snide remarks about the violence.
“In my most recent court case I was mocked by a Judge for being in a violent relationship. She thought it was OK to make snide remarks about the violence.”
We are threatened and intimidated by social workers and then must contort ourselves to please them.
We are "stood-over" by Social Workers and have to beg to see our children. We walk on eggshells and agree to plans and notifications we don't fully understand in the hopes we will get to see our children. We do all the legwork to disprove the allegations invented by the Social Workers that we are ‘unfit mothers’. It feels like we are doing THEIR jobs to investigate the claims made against us. And we are. We're running around searching every avenue to find our bit of evidence that will finally enable us to say "you're wrong", if even for a short time, to gain some relief, so that we are believed and trusted and therefore able to mother our children.
The Ministry (OT) and the Family Court use power and control over us.
Untrue allegations are made up about us and there is no way to challenge them. I never personally met the last Social Worker yet she was able to submit an affidavit to the Court that was obviously copied and pasted from previous notes in the OT file. These notes were presented as being factual but in reality, they were simply based on opinion. It seems to me that when a Social Worker signs where it says "it is true and accurate to the best of my knowledge" that in itself provides enough verification for their opinion to be taken as ‘the truth’ even if the information contained in the affidavit is incorrect.
These affidavits and the untruths in them, continue to determine the way we are understood as mothers thereafter. We are made to put up with character assassination and our history repeatedly being highlighted without any recognition of how far we have moved forward. These affidavits exert power and control over us just like the abuser did.
The Ministry (OT) and the Family Court psychologically abuse us.
Information is often withheld from us and manipulated to suit the direction that OT wants to go. Information can be twisted so much that inevitably we are left feeling totally helpless and humiliated. Simple heartfelt words from a child such as "I want to go home to my Mum”, can, and are deliberately interpreted as the child having attachment issues. I've lost count of the amount of times my words have been relayed by Social Workers as the exact opposite of what they were intended. When this happens, I have felt like I was going mad.
“ I’ve lost count of the amount of times my words have been relayed by Social Workers as the exact opposite of what they were intended. When this happens I have felt like I was going mad.”
Social Workers use emotional abuse against us.
They lie about us for their own needs, furthering our distress. As a Māori my character and integrity are already questioned and the social workers have a predetermined idea about me. They treat my whānau like we're hopeless, we have no integrity and low morals. I can see their judgement of us in the looks they give my whānau. This is called racial profiling.
When I have spoken up to oppose Social Workers who have told me my visits are being reduced "because I can" (a sentence I was once told rather smugly by a Supervisor), I am labelled as a typical difficult Maaoree.
There has been no acknowledgement or effort by Social Workers to work with my whānau contradicting the whole "work closely with Māori whānau" statements that are being thrown around. The Social Workers completely disregarded our decision to adopt a Māori model, (Te Whare Tapa Wha).*
We attended a meeting that was held with the then OT Case worker and her Supervisor. Our whānau wanted transparency from OT and clear plans. We submitted an in-depth plan which included culturally based wraparound support services for my child and myself, so my child could return home. When a member of my whānau stated that as a Māori whānau we would use Te Whare Tapa Wha model, the Supervisor sniggered saying "Well I doubt Mr Durie (Developer of this model) is available." The Supervisor didn't want to even entertain the idea of using these models, suggesting it was absurd.
In spite of our considerable efforts, my child has been placed in a well to do area with a white care giver, and they want to keep the child there. Based on the way we have been treated myself and my whānau think the social workers believe the caregiver is better than us simply because she is white. We know the care giver has told lies to the social workers but she is still seen by them as being more credible, more trustworthy and more appropriate than our Māori whānau to care for my child.
OT has an archaic pre-formatted template of tick-boxes on what a whānau unit should look like. It is rigid, hegemonic and culturally insensitive. Whānau are unique. We have our own stories, issues, and dynamics. We do not fit into tick-boxes! I do not deny some children need to be removed, but the “rinse and repeat” method is not the solution.
“There has been no acknowledgement or effort by Social Workers to work with my whānau, contradicting the whole “work closely with Māori whānau” statements that are being thrown around.”
It's still OK to ask for help…. but to whom should we be asking?
Wahine Toa have survived violence and abuse already and then we are forced to encounter the same kind of relationship with the services that should be supporting us to recover, The Ministry for Children (OT) and the Family Court. But these agencies use gaslighting, power, control, emotional and psychological abuse against us. These are the building blocks of a toxic abusive relationship, yet we are forced to accept it again. Another ironic moment. The very environment OT say they are removing our children from (an abusive one) they re-enact against us.
If we want to report the abusive treatment we have experienced from those working in OT we are told to first submit a form to OT - the very people we are reporting against. I highly doubt SHINE or the White Ribbon campaign would advise or encourage victims to make a complaint about abuse to the person who is abusing them.
I've followed procedure and made complaints and so have my whānau. Our complaints seem to go nowhere or lame excuses are made by OT for the social workers’ behaviour.
I want to see some changes happen.
“Change needs to happen as swiftly as our children are removed. Just as the ad says... It’s not OK! ”
I would like our case to be reviewed, my child’s voice to be heard and whānau inclusion in the decisions that are made about my child.
I believe that we still have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.
If we, as mothers, are to be held accountable, then the Ministry needs to hold themselves 110% accountable first. The partnership and participation we were promised is non-existent. They have merely become words thrown out occasionally to keep us quiet.
This entire system needs to change, not tomorrow, next week or next month, TODAY.
Change needs to happen as swiftly as our children are removed. Just as the ad says… It's not OK!
From a Mother, to a Mother, for Mothers.
* Te Whare Tapa Wha model is the Māori holistic model of health which reminds you to take care of all the different aspects of your life to support your wellbeing, physical, mental, spiritual & family.
https://www.healthnavigator.org.nz/healthy-living/t/te-whare-tapa-wh%c4%81-and-wellbeing/
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about the backbone collective
New Zealand has the highest rate of women experiencing violence and abuse in the developed world, which is due in part to our broken response system.
The Backbone Collective is an independent body taking action to change New Zealand's dire statistics by examining the response system through the eyes of its users - women who have experienced violence and abuse.
Please join us as either a woman who has experienced violence or abuse, or as a volunteer who wants to help by volunteering your time, services or expertise.
Many reports have been written about where the system is broken but they have fallen on deaf ears. We think that Government and others in a position of power will start listening when hundreds, and potentially thousands, of women speak up about what needs to change.