TRUE STORY: A domestic violence survivor writes a letter to her young daughter - a letter her daughter will never see, but one that explains this mother’s heartbreak as she tries unsuccessfully to create a safe home for her daughter. She has endured three years of ongoing abuse from her ex-partner via the Family Court. She feels like her dreams of a new life have come crashing down at her feet.

I'm sorry you saw my tears today. I'm sorry that became your problem. I cried because I was told daddy is taking me back to court again and my heart broke.

To my beautiful girl,

You saw my tears tonight baby, and I'm very sorry.

I left your daddy four years ago. It has been the most stressful, incredibly heart-breaking four years of my life. But things have been so good lately. Court was finally dealt with one month ago, and I was told it would be at least six months before your dad could drag me back there...but I found out today I have to go back.

I feel like all I have ever wanted was to be a good mum to you. All I have ever wanted is to give you all of the things in life that you truly deserve, and I think the very top of that list is happiness. But how can you be happy if your parents are stuck in a war?

I left your dad because I couldn't take always being stuck in a war. I left because I didn't want you to think that was normal. I left because in the moment that your daddy gripped you in his arms, and told me how ugly, stupid and useless I was, after being physically violent, I realised that you deserved more.

I left because I looked into your beautiful cherub face, and ocean eyes, and I didn't want you to lose any of your magic because you were exposed to so much anger.

And today I feel as though I have failed because I still can't escape it. I still can't get away from it for you. And no matter how hard I try, and how much I try to be kind to your dad, or explain it in a different way, or try to see things his way, or try to make things easier, it just seems to always be a war.

Your daddy and I were separated for a year before he started court proceedings. I took part in court mediation hoping that we could build a co-parenting relationship. Your daddy and the lawyers involved used the mediation to pressure me into agreeing to an interim shared care arrangement. The court process was very long, exhausting and I felt so belittled and badgered by the courts that eventually I ended up agreeing to most of your daddy’s terms. I thought agreeing would mean we would not have to come back to court for at least six months to review the interim orders.

It only took one month after coming to our agreement and getting interim parenting orders in place for your daddy to file new applications in the Family Court, and to push for more contact even though I had agreed to what he had asked. Now I am being constantly badgered by him and the lawyers with daily correspondence about court proceedings.

And so it starts all over again. Now I know that an abuser will use the court system to further their abuse; abuse that never seems to end.

It was an incredibly heart-breaking and abusive relationship. Your daddy was financially controlling, violent and emotionally terrorizing. You won’t remember, but we left with nothing, sleeping on couches and bed hopping until I got us our first rental and started working, saving and scrimping.

Just last week I spoke to a mortgage broker and finally applied for a mortgage, because what I want more than anything in the world is to give you a future and to provide you with a home. I desperately wanted to buy a place where we can get that dog that you are always asking me for, and where we can paint a bedroom for you with rainbows and stars.

I wanted to buy us a place where we are secure, and no-one can tell us to leave. A place where no-one can hurt us. A place for you my beautiful girl. A home.

But your dad is now taking me back to court, and in one moment all of those dreams I have been fighting to achieve for you, all of those endless hours I have worked (all of those late nights after I tuck you into bed) to save for a deposit...it’s all just gone.

I don't have the money to fund another court battle. If I am now sitting at the beginning of another three years of this horrendous, costly and heart-breaking litigation then I can't risk getting a mortgage. I can’t possibly finance a mortgage and court - trying to fund both might risk us losing our home.

So I am sorry I cried in front of you baby - tears streaming down my face.

You looked at me, and you said to me, “We need a house mumma, and we need a dog, and we need a horse, and we need to be like a real family.” I am so sorry that I cried, and I said', “Well this is it baby...this is it...I am it”.

He has beaten me again. This time it isn't beating me with his fists or his words, or him pushing me down and leaving me bruised or calling me disgusting in front of you. It isn't with the moments that you sit with tears streaming down your face as he rips you out of my arms and says you have to go to him now, while you scream for me.

I feel like I have failed as a mumma for bringing you into this. I am so very sorry my beautiful girl. I am so very sorry that I created this life for you and I can't get us out of it.

I will never share this story with you. So, I’m writing this letter to myself instead, to remind myself of how hard I have worked to keep us safe and make a better life for us. I need to remind myself that I have worked so hard not to expose you to the war that you never asked to be in. I have worked so hard to show you how to love and what it is like to be loved. I will try and stand with my head high, knowing I might not be able to get you the home you want right now, but I am doing my very best to shelter you from the storms.

I hope one day, we get that home you have been dreaming of. A place of warmth, and love, and light, where no-one can hurt us.

xxx Love always
Your Mumma

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about the backbone collective

New Zealand has the highest rate of women experiencing violence and abuse in the developed world, which is due in part to our broken response system.

The Backbone Collective is an independent body taking action to change New Zealand's dire statistics by examining the response system through the eyes of its users - women who have experienced violence and abuse.

Please join us as either a woman who has experienced violence or abuse, or as a volunteer who wants to help by volunteering your time, services or expertise.

Many reports have been written about where the system is broken but they have fallen on deaf ears. We think that Government and others in a position of power will start listening when hundreds, and potentially thousands, of women speak up about what needs to change.